Reality

Hey y'all!! It has been a minute, but I have been lost in work. I am glad that summer vacation is here... finally.

So much and nothing has happened all at the same time...

I feel on top of the world professionally. I had two schools vying for my skills and I got the school that I wanted. My class did really well this year and only one of my students didn't read on grade level and we are retaining him. English is his second language.

I am excited about my new grade level (3rd) and the team that I will be working with.

My youngest graduated from high school!! Yay!!! I feel free! I know that since both of them are still alive I will always be momma and therefore NOT free, but I feel free!

So life is good. Except... I don't have a man. I want a man... I mean, a loving, fulfilling relationship. I lived in my head for so long, pursuing men who are not really available, trying to convince myself that we actually have something there...

So then I started looking on dating sites. Plenty of Fish, Match, eHarmony, Black People Meet and finally okcupid. I will do anything that is free... lol... but nothing has come of any of it. No one is dealing with reality, Most men want white women or skinny independently wealthy ones. I am neither. The men who do want plain school teacher women like me still dress like my teenaged sons. They don't have any education, look like they live with their moms and message with quaint lines like : "wut u doin"... 'cuse me? When you are trying to speak to me for the first time, please use correct English! Is that too much to ask?

I watched Being Mary Jane the other day and while I liked it, I was pissed at MJ for some for the things she did. She cries because she sees baby commercials. Okay, she wants a family. She can go have a baby if she wants too. Who says she needs a man? Okay, so it's more than just a baby. She wants the man, the picket fence, the 2.5 kids, vacations to Disney, birthday parties in the back yard... we all want those idealized events in our lives, but do we think that they come without some heartache and pain? Reality... get you some! I talked to my best friend about this is she was pissed at me... probably because it hit home for her...

CaraMEL is a dreamer. She grew up with 2 sisters and a mom and dad. She claims that they were the Huxtables of her small working class town. Okay. Her parents got into some real deep financial issues and lost their home last year. Mel and her sisters lived in that house most of their lives. They really don't remember any other home.  Everytime she talks about growing up and losing that house all she can say is "but we were the Huxtables"... I want to say to her that the Huxtables were a piece of paper... REALITY... get you some.

 I could go on about her, as she could go on about me... but long story short, she married someone that she should have left in college. He is an ass and I'm sure has always been and always will be an ass. But Mel loves him. They both work hard, have 3 cute kids (she has one from another relationship with a FINE brother, but he's another story) own 2 cars, a beautiful house and fight like roaches! She always complains that he doesn't want to spend time with her or the kids. He wants to go 3 hours away to his mom's or racing his remote control cars-- without her. They scream and fight about $$$, food, anything. She won't leave mainly because she doesn't want to give up her lifestyle... And she wants what she sees the white people in her neighborhood have. That's actually what she says... what the white people have... walking in the grocery store together, holding hands around the lake... blah, blah, blah... that nigga you married NEVER did that, so why do you think he'll do it now!??!?!

You know what? I just can't with this anymore today... point, blank and period... just because the man does that doesn't mean that all is hunky dory. Guess what? They say that Claire was a crack head, Cliff cheated on Camille... Denise ran off and got pregnant and kicked off the show, cute little Olivia is gay... life is not tv or a dream... REALITY please!

The men on these dating sites don't want reality, my best friend doesn't want reality, magazine and blog articles all spout off things that are not based in reality... I lived in that cloud of delusion for so long I can't take it anymore.

I want to be grounded in reality and not be pegged as bitter... nothing is perfect, but we can make it the best that we can...

~ Sassyme

I'm STILL Standing...

It has been a long time since my last post. It's not that I haven't thought about posting. In fact, I have a couple of incomplete posts in my queue. I waited until I was healed, until I was better. Welp, I'm not completely healed but I am better. This is still difficult for me to write about... I have been opening other tabs, trying to occupy myself with other things while writing this post...

So let's get to the debrief...

MY FEELINGS:
I was so hurt and angry-- just pain mad,  for so long. Mad at everybody: Me, him, my friends, God. How could I have let this happen? How could he have done this to me- the mother of his kids, his wife of 11 years? Why didn't my friends stop me? And God? man, you knew better than to let me do this!!!!!!!!

THE GROWING UP PART:
I got tired of being angry. I had already been here and done this with him... why waste the energy again? Anger and self loathing are SO exhausting. My life was boring and difficult because I let it be that way. Soooooo--- I forgave him-- in a sense. I know that he is not the one for me and he is damaged in someway; so I can't be mad at him forever. It's like when a mentally challenged person says something out of the way you can forgive them... he just doesn't know any better, but it's not my place to fix him.

I am lying if I said my friends didn't try to warn me... But they did what sisters do , and supported me through it all. I love you girls!!!

God-- I was so angry with HIM for so long.... If this wasn't something I was supposed to do, then why did it happen? Where were the lightening bolts to smite us?!? Where were the plagues, fires and other disasters!?!? Even a generic little sign? Nothing!!! No, not nothing... God speaks to us in a still, small voice and I chose to ignore it and lean to my own understanding... WRONG MOVE! So I forgave Him... He did exactly what He was supposed to do. It was me that went off the rails. I had no business questioning Him. I am thankful that He forgave ME! The good thing about this happening is that the door is finally closed. God probably let me go through this so that I would learn my lesson and close the door myself.

Me-- I am not sure if I forgive myself... I should have known better... really. I have taken these 6 or so months to really evaluate the situation and I have come to some disturbing revelations... Why did I allow this to happen to me? Don't I love myself enough to protect me? Do I really know me? Do I want to know me? If i don't like me, how can I expect anyone else to like me? Why do I attract or pursue emotionally unavailable men? ... There are many more questions that I had... But--I know that I don't value myself. I know that I have to love me, before I can love or be loved...

 That's what I've been working on since November... I turned 39 this year and I celebrated from November 1st until the 25th-- my B-day, and then I decided that the last year of my 30's - a decade full of heartache, set backs, huge accomplishments, growth and love- should be celebrated right, so I kept it up until December 31st!!! It was all about me... what ever I wanted to do, I did! Now, in the New Year, I am focusing on my walk with God. Getting back in right relationship with Him. I am also focusing on getting my body right. I lost a good little bit of weight last year but gained about half of it back. This year, I'm gonna get my old self back... for ME! I want to look good in the thousands of dollars worth of clothes I have purchased trying  to make myself feel better!!! I also want to get my mind right. I need to really love myself for who I am and change those things about me that I don't like.


Mind, Body and Soul... 2013!

Update on The Devil

Not only did this MF'er move another woman into his house with MY kid, but he moved a pregnant one in! Yes, I said it, PREGNANT. So now when his baby is 17 years old, this nigga is about to have another baby.

But, she lost it last week. I am not sad. I kinda think that I should feel bad about that, but I don't.

THE END

I'm Sorry Momma, I Must Be A Fool

So, for all that bravado and trash talking a few months ago, I am in poor condition now. I tried to keep him out of my head, but it didn't work. We started seeing each other again after Memorial Day and then boom, out of the blue, he stops seeing me and then finally drops a bombshell.

He has kicked his girlfriend out and is moving another woman in... What!??!?! I am DEAD! I feel as if I cannot go on...

I am such a wreck that I don't know what to even say or do.... just now able to post. I don't want to think or really talk about this, but if I can't do it here on this blog, where can I be honest.

I love him with every fiber of my being. I am tortured at the fact that he has dumped me again and I let him do this to me. I feel more than foolish... I am so angry with myself and that I have wasted another year of my life on this man. This will translate into 2 years, because I feel almost like I am going through my divorce all over again. So I won't feel like talking to anyone or even feel like I can trust anyone else for a loooonnngggg time. I think that this loss of time is upsetting me the most.

I cannot even talk about it anymore...

Sister's Night Out!!!

Happy Saturday!!! I had a great Memorial Day Weekend, how about you?

**** WARNING  Long Post Ahead....**** 

My sisters and I went out on Saturday night. It was great. I can't wait to do it again. We usually are really good little Christian mommas and wives that eat at Cheesecake Factory or PF Chang's and are home by midnight. But NOT this time....

It all started out innocently enough. We were going to the Cajun restaurant up the street from my house. Karaoke and crab cakes on tap... Well, I read the website wrong and there was an awful live band instead of Karaoke and the food was NOT good at all. After the lackluster performances and food, we decided to hit the other location of this restaurant... in downtown.

We sang and laughed all the way there. I was so excited for some reason. I was looking cute with the blowout and skintight jeans. Anywhooo, we finally find a park right in front of the joint, and who's car did I see?? You guessed it... The Devil, himself. Oh great!!! Anyway...

We hit the door... Me, CaraMEL, Sonnie and Lil' Mama... lipgloss poppin', hoops sparklin;, boobs pumped up and shined!! I was ready!!! The band was doing okay and I couldn't see The Devil on the keys, so I went up to the bar on the 2nd floor and scoped the place. Very mixed crowd... I loved it. Then, I heard it... those nimble, sexy fingers on the keys. My heart dropped, but my stomach got that familiar feeling in it. That man has magic fingers in making music and making love. Ham--burger!!! Wheww!!!

Anyway, I headed downstairs, and started dancing, right in from of him. I talked to his brother, who was there, cheating on his wife (runs in the family). I danced right in between them. It pissed that old lady off! When I say old, I mean sistah had many, many miles on her, but she looked as if she had some money to offset those miles. And bruh was clean too. She had him decked out head to toe in Banana Republic. While his wife was at home with the sixteen y.o. daughter, nineteen y.o. daughter and 5 m.o. grandson... I bet there was no Henn and Coke flowing in there!

That's not my affair, she knows he cheats, she still stays cause she's older too and she feels she can't do any better... I guess... movin' on...

I let old lady get back on her young meat and I danced around having a ball. At about 12:30, the band took a break. The Devil went directly outside past me not saying a word. The DJ started playing some music and my girls and I hit the floor again. I was a little worried that he was mad that I was there. I looked around for his gf, but I didn't see her. She wasn't there at all. Next thing I knew, I was approached by this tall, bald white guy. He had been standing there a few minutes admiring us sistah's shaking our groove thangs! He came up to me during a lull in the music and asked if a "sistah" would dance with a "white dude". I said, "ask, you never know what you might get". Long story short, he asked, I said yes, and we danced!!! He was a little tipsy, so he swung me around some, was off beat... a lot, and pushed up on me HARD!!! Very handsy... I panicked a little bit, because I don't know this dude!!! Lil' Mama took some pictures of us dancing. I may post one... maybe... All of a sudden, my girls had surrounded us and I wasn't sure what was going on. After we finished dancing, I found out that some white girls had started pushing up cause they didn't want me dancing with him. They closed ranks because they know that I would go off because of that!!  Now, one of those chicks might have been his girlfriend or something, but this is not what they want! No static people!!!

By then the mood was gone and we decided to head home. As we walked through the crowd I looked for The Devil, but he was no where to be found. The mommy mini van was parked right out front, so as we were waiting for the traffic to move so that we could pull out, guess who knocks on the window and scared us half to death?? Yep, The Devil. He said, "you're gonna leave without speaking?" Oh, boy! Anyway, he chatted it up with us for a while and then had to go back in to start the last set.

The conversation was innocent, but I was turned on!!! It's not the first time I've seen him since he started trippin', so I don't know why he effected me this way! Of course, I texted him when I got home. Y'all don't need to know what I said, just know that I shouldn't have done it...

Anyhoo, that was Sister's Night Out!!! It was fun and I want to do it again. Since Lil Mama is moving out of state at the end of July, there will be more of these little outings to discuss!!!

~from the Sassiest Girl on the Block

Me and Mine

"There is only one type of relationship... the relationship between two people. You can only have ONE at a time. This is so sick. You're right. Desperate women allow this to happen so that that can "have" a man and he can "have" EVERYBODY! It seems like a man cannot love and be faithful to one woman, but I am believing God that there are men out there that can and will.

Before I take any of this stuff to heart, I have to consider the source.

 *** Jada and Will-- something fishy is up with them. Like Shakespeare said- "Me thinks they doth protest too much." Why do you have to put your sex life out there like that? When me and mine are good, the smile on my face is ALL that you need to know to know the status of my relationship."   

This is a draft of something I wrote months ago... before Christmas. I have no idea what was going on in my head or life at this time, but I must have been fired up about something!!! But, I must say that what I wrote was true... God HAS to have a faithful man out there for me!!!

P.S. School's almost out for the summer!!!! So excited! What are your summer plans?

Guess Who???

Well, here it is, just a mere 2 days since my last post that had me happy dancing because I was over The Devil... guess who called me just as I got home today? Of course.

 He is going out of town for business and he's leaving our 18 year old home alone. He called to ask me to check on him. Really? Okay. Well, of course I talked to him for about an hour.. about the kids, me, him, work, whatever.

He still says that he loves me. I just didn't even react. I just kept talking. He is really getting to me. I won't believe anything that he says because he isn't proving anything to me with his actions. 

I've got my head up and I'm moving forward!!! I can't let this stop me from moving on.

Sassiest Girl on the Block!