Reality

Hey y'all!! It has been a minute, but I have been lost in work. I am glad that summer vacation is here... finally.

So much and nothing has happened all at the same time...

I feel on top of the world professionally. I had two schools vying for my skills and I got the school that I wanted. My class did really well this year and only one of my students didn't read on grade level and we are retaining him. English is his second language.

I am excited about my new grade level (3rd) and the team that I will be working with.

My youngest graduated from high school!! Yay!!! I feel free! I know that since both of them are still alive I will always be momma and therefore NOT free, but I feel free!

So life is good. Except... I don't have a man. I want a man... I mean, a loving, fulfilling relationship. I lived in my head for so long, pursuing men who are not really available, trying to convince myself that we actually have something there...

So then I started looking on dating sites. Plenty of Fish, Match, eHarmony, Black People Meet and finally okcupid. I will do anything that is free... lol... but nothing has come of any of it. No one is dealing with reality, Most men want white women or skinny independently wealthy ones. I am neither. The men who do want plain school teacher women like me still dress like my teenaged sons. They don't have any education, look like they live with their moms and message with quaint lines like : "wut u doin"... 'cuse me? When you are trying to speak to me for the first time, please use correct English! Is that too much to ask?

I watched Being Mary Jane the other day and while I liked it, I was pissed at MJ for some for the things she did. She cries because she sees baby commercials. Okay, she wants a family. She can go have a baby if she wants too. Who says she needs a man? Okay, so it's more than just a baby. She wants the man, the picket fence, the 2.5 kids, vacations to Disney, birthday parties in the back yard... we all want those idealized events in our lives, but do we think that they come without some heartache and pain? Reality... get you some! I talked to my best friend about this is she was pissed at me... probably because it hit home for her...

CaraMEL is a dreamer. She grew up with 2 sisters and a mom and dad. She claims that they were the Huxtables of her small working class town. Okay. Her parents got into some real deep financial issues and lost their home last year. Mel and her sisters lived in that house most of their lives. They really don't remember any other home.  Everytime she talks about growing up and losing that house all she can say is "but we were the Huxtables"... I want to say to her that the Huxtables were a piece of paper... REALITY... get you some.

 I could go on about her, as she could go on about me... but long story short, she married someone that she should have left in college. He is an ass and I'm sure has always been and always will be an ass. But Mel loves him. They both work hard, have 3 cute kids (she has one from another relationship with a FINE brother, but he's another story) own 2 cars, a beautiful house and fight like roaches! She always complains that he doesn't want to spend time with her or the kids. He wants to go 3 hours away to his mom's or racing his remote control cars-- without her. They scream and fight about $$$, food, anything. She won't leave mainly because she doesn't want to give up her lifestyle... And she wants what she sees the white people in her neighborhood have. That's actually what she says... what the white people have... walking in the grocery store together, holding hands around the lake... blah, blah, blah... that nigga you married NEVER did that, so why do you think he'll do it now!??!?!

You know what? I just can't with this anymore today... point, blank and period... just because the man does that doesn't mean that all is hunky dory. Guess what? They say that Claire was a crack head, Cliff cheated on Camille... Denise ran off and got pregnant and kicked off the show, cute little Olivia is gay... life is not tv or a dream... REALITY please!

The men on these dating sites don't want reality, my best friend doesn't want reality, magazine and blog articles all spout off things that are not based in reality... I lived in that cloud of delusion for so long I can't take it anymore.

I want to be grounded in reality and not be pegged as bitter... nothing is perfect, but we can make it the best that we can...

~ Sassyme

I'm STILL Standing...

It has been a long time since my last post. It's not that I haven't thought about posting. In fact, I have a couple of incomplete posts in my queue. I waited until I was healed, until I was better. Welp, I'm not completely healed but I am better. This is still difficult for me to write about... I have been opening other tabs, trying to occupy myself with other things while writing this post...

So let's get to the debrief...

MY FEELINGS:
I was so hurt and angry-- just pain mad,  for so long. Mad at everybody: Me, him, my friends, God. How could I have let this happen? How could he have done this to me- the mother of his kids, his wife of 11 years? Why didn't my friends stop me? And God? man, you knew better than to let me do this!!!!!!!!

THE GROWING UP PART:
I got tired of being angry. I had already been here and done this with him... why waste the energy again? Anger and self loathing are SO exhausting. My life was boring and difficult because I let it be that way. Soooooo--- I forgave him-- in a sense. I know that he is not the one for me and he is damaged in someway; so I can't be mad at him forever. It's like when a mentally challenged person says something out of the way you can forgive them... he just doesn't know any better, but it's not my place to fix him.

I am lying if I said my friends didn't try to warn me... But they did what sisters do , and supported me through it all. I love you girls!!!

God-- I was so angry with HIM for so long.... If this wasn't something I was supposed to do, then why did it happen? Where were the lightening bolts to smite us?!? Where were the plagues, fires and other disasters!?!? Even a generic little sign? Nothing!!! No, not nothing... God speaks to us in a still, small voice and I chose to ignore it and lean to my own understanding... WRONG MOVE! So I forgave Him... He did exactly what He was supposed to do. It was me that went off the rails. I had no business questioning Him. I am thankful that He forgave ME! The good thing about this happening is that the door is finally closed. God probably let me go through this so that I would learn my lesson and close the door myself.

Me-- I am not sure if I forgive myself... I should have known better... really. I have taken these 6 or so months to really evaluate the situation and I have come to some disturbing revelations... Why did I allow this to happen to me? Don't I love myself enough to protect me? Do I really know me? Do I want to know me? If i don't like me, how can I expect anyone else to like me? Why do I attract or pursue emotionally unavailable men? ... There are many more questions that I had... But--I know that I don't value myself. I know that I have to love me, before I can love or be loved...

 That's what I've been working on since November... I turned 39 this year and I celebrated from November 1st until the 25th-- my B-day, and then I decided that the last year of my 30's - a decade full of heartache, set backs, huge accomplishments, growth and love- should be celebrated right, so I kept it up until December 31st!!! It was all about me... what ever I wanted to do, I did! Now, in the New Year, I am focusing on my walk with God. Getting back in right relationship with Him. I am also focusing on getting my body right. I lost a good little bit of weight last year but gained about half of it back. This year, I'm gonna get my old self back... for ME! I want to look good in the thousands of dollars worth of clothes I have purchased trying  to make myself feel better!!! I also want to get my mind right. I need to really love myself for who I am and change those things about me that I don't like.


Mind, Body and Soul... 2013!

Update on The Devil

Not only did this MF'er move another woman into his house with MY kid, but he moved a pregnant one in! Yes, I said it, PREGNANT. So now when his baby is 17 years old, this nigga is about to have another baby.

But, she lost it last week. I am not sad. I kinda think that I should feel bad about that, but I don't.

THE END

I'm Sorry Momma, I Must Be A Fool

So, for all that bravado and trash talking a few months ago, I am in poor condition now. I tried to keep him out of my head, but it didn't work. We started seeing each other again after Memorial Day and then boom, out of the blue, he stops seeing me and then finally drops a bombshell.

He has kicked his girlfriend out and is moving another woman in... What!??!?! I am DEAD! I feel as if I cannot go on...

I am such a wreck that I don't know what to even say or do.... just now able to post. I don't want to think or really talk about this, but if I can't do it here on this blog, where can I be honest.

I love him with every fiber of my being. I am tortured at the fact that he has dumped me again and I let him do this to me. I feel more than foolish... I am so angry with myself and that I have wasted another year of my life on this man. This will translate into 2 years, because I feel almost like I am going through my divorce all over again. So I won't feel like talking to anyone or even feel like I can trust anyone else for a loooonnngggg time. I think that this loss of time is upsetting me the most.

I cannot even talk about it anymore...

Sister's Night Out!!!

Happy Saturday!!! I had a great Memorial Day Weekend, how about you?

**** WARNING  Long Post Ahead....**** 

My sisters and I went out on Saturday night. It was great. I can't wait to do it again. We usually are really good little Christian mommas and wives that eat at Cheesecake Factory or PF Chang's and are home by midnight. But NOT this time....

It all started out innocently enough. We were going to the Cajun restaurant up the street from my house. Karaoke and crab cakes on tap... Well, I read the website wrong and there was an awful live band instead of Karaoke and the food was NOT good at all. After the lackluster performances and food, we decided to hit the other location of this restaurant... in downtown.

We sang and laughed all the way there. I was so excited for some reason. I was looking cute with the blowout and skintight jeans. Anywhooo, we finally find a park right in front of the joint, and who's car did I see?? You guessed it... The Devil, himself. Oh great!!! Anyway...

We hit the door... Me, CaraMEL, Sonnie and Lil' Mama... lipgloss poppin', hoops sparklin;, boobs pumped up and shined!! I was ready!!! The band was doing okay and I couldn't see The Devil on the keys, so I went up to the bar on the 2nd floor and scoped the place. Very mixed crowd... I loved it. Then, I heard it... those nimble, sexy fingers on the keys. My heart dropped, but my stomach got that familiar feeling in it. That man has magic fingers in making music and making love. Ham--burger!!! Wheww!!!

Anyway, I headed downstairs, and started dancing, right in from of him. I talked to his brother, who was there, cheating on his wife (runs in the family). I danced right in between them. It pissed that old lady off! When I say old, I mean sistah had many, many miles on her, but she looked as if she had some money to offset those miles. And bruh was clean too. She had him decked out head to toe in Banana Republic. While his wife was at home with the sixteen y.o. daughter, nineteen y.o. daughter and 5 m.o. grandson... I bet there was no Henn and Coke flowing in there!

That's not my affair, she knows he cheats, she still stays cause she's older too and she feels she can't do any better... I guess... movin' on...

I let old lady get back on her young meat and I danced around having a ball. At about 12:30, the band took a break. The Devil went directly outside past me not saying a word. The DJ started playing some music and my girls and I hit the floor again. I was a little worried that he was mad that I was there. I looked around for his gf, but I didn't see her. She wasn't there at all. Next thing I knew, I was approached by this tall, bald white guy. He had been standing there a few minutes admiring us sistah's shaking our groove thangs! He came up to me during a lull in the music and asked if a "sistah" would dance with a "white dude". I said, "ask, you never know what you might get". Long story short, he asked, I said yes, and we danced!!! He was a little tipsy, so he swung me around some, was off beat... a lot, and pushed up on me HARD!!! Very handsy... I panicked a little bit, because I don't know this dude!!! Lil' Mama took some pictures of us dancing. I may post one... maybe... All of a sudden, my girls had surrounded us and I wasn't sure what was going on. After we finished dancing, I found out that some white girls had started pushing up cause they didn't want me dancing with him. They closed ranks because they know that I would go off because of that!!  Now, one of those chicks might have been his girlfriend or something, but this is not what they want! No static people!!!

By then the mood was gone and we decided to head home. As we walked through the crowd I looked for The Devil, but he was no where to be found. The mommy mini van was parked right out front, so as we were waiting for the traffic to move so that we could pull out, guess who knocks on the window and scared us half to death?? Yep, The Devil. He said, "you're gonna leave without speaking?" Oh, boy! Anyway, he chatted it up with us for a while and then had to go back in to start the last set.

The conversation was innocent, but I was turned on!!! It's not the first time I've seen him since he started trippin', so I don't know why he effected me this way! Of course, I texted him when I got home. Y'all don't need to know what I said, just know that I shouldn't have done it...

Anyhoo, that was Sister's Night Out!!! It was fun and I want to do it again. Since Lil Mama is moving out of state at the end of July, there will be more of these little outings to discuss!!!

~from the Sassiest Girl on the Block

Me and Mine

"There is only one type of relationship... the relationship between two people. You can only have ONE at a time. This is so sick. You're right. Desperate women allow this to happen so that that can "have" a man and he can "have" EVERYBODY! It seems like a man cannot love and be faithful to one woman, but I am believing God that there are men out there that can and will.

Before I take any of this stuff to heart, I have to consider the source.

 *** Jada and Will-- something fishy is up with them. Like Shakespeare said- "Me thinks they doth protest too much." Why do you have to put your sex life out there like that? When me and mine are good, the smile on my face is ALL that you need to know to know the status of my relationship."   

This is a draft of something I wrote months ago... before Christmas. I have no idea what was going on in my head or life at this time, but I must have been fired up about something!!! But, I must say that what I wrote was true... God HAS to have a faithful man out there for me!!!

P.S. School's almost out for the summer!!!! So excited! What are your summer plans?

Guess Who???

Well, here it is, just a mere 2 days since my last post that had me happy dancing because I was over The Devil... guess who called me just as I got home today? Of course.

 He is going out of town for business and he's leaving our 18 year old home alone. He called to ask me to check on him. Really? Okay. Well, of course I talked to him for about an hour.. about the kids, me, him, work, whatever.

He still says that he loves me. I just didn't even react. I just kept talking. He is really getting to me. I won't believe anything that he says because he isn't proving anything to me with his actions. 

I've got my head up and I'm moving forward!!! I can't let this stop me from moving on.

Sassiest Girl on the Block!

Am I Really Moving On!?!??!

I have not talked to him in about 2 weeks, other than discussing our kids. He hasn't really initiated any of our conversations. I called him because I needed to know what the outcome of a meeting at J's school was and he wanted to know how Lil D was feeling after being sick. It really hurt for a few days, but oddly today I thought to myself ,"Hmmm. I haven't thought of him all day. For a couple of days, in fact."

So there, I am cured! Even as I am writing this I don't feel sadness or pain. Maybe I'm really done. But as sure as I am standing here, he will call me sometime soon and I will be faced with the pain of it again.... It ALWAYS happens this way!!!!!!

On an unrelated sidenote: I cried like a fool today watching The Color Purple for the 100 millionth time. How many times am I going to cry while watching Shug Avery run back to her Daddy's church singing, "God Is Trying to Tell You Something"? PMS is a B*TCH!

At least I am feeling better about The Devil and our lack of relationship. Today. Tomorrow is another story.

Sassy Still Plays the Fool

I love him. He loves me, but not as much as I love him. I'm ready to take to the relationship level. He's not. He told me not to wait on him...

Moving on..... cause my momma didn't raise no fool.

Same old stuff, different day

Me and Devil again... Tuesday night, at out oldest son's lacrosse game, he told me how much he loved me, was working on getting out of the relationship he was in and wanted to remarry me one day soon.  Yeah, he was trippin'. Of course, it all sounds really good, but I've been screwed by him too many times before. I'm just sitting back, listening and observing. He just went on and on about how he made a mistake...blah, blah, blah...

So, after his soul bearing session on Tuesday night, I have not heard from him until today.
I called him a couple of times this week and he either didn't answer or was really distant. I only talked to him today because we were exchanging the youngest and we had to determine a place to meet.I called him out on ignoring me this week and he said that he was busy, that it was a bad week. I said, so- I had a hard week too. I told him that I thought that his declarations of love were real on Tuesday, but that if I was on the wrong page, PLEASE correct me. He didn't say anything, so I just ended the call.

When I met him to pick up Lil D, he had all kinds of intense looks, like he wanted to take me right then and there. I just ignored him. We made plans to go to J's next game, at our alma mater and then I jetted.

What is up with this? Getting on my nerves... What is he trying to do to me?

Is This Love Tied to My Va-jay-jay?

I've been hot and heavy with the ex for the past few weeks. We have yet to define anything, but my hormones have been trying to define it. When we are together all we do is have sex or TRY to have sex. It makes me feel like those K-Y Jelly commercials. All I can think about is "nutmeg" with him! If we can't have
Nutmeg, there is nothing much there. But I love him soooo much. He says he loves me sooooo much too. But are we in love with the feeling that nutmeg gives us?
Hmmmmm..... still thinking & feeling dumb...

What to do, what to do....

He says that he loves me, he says he wants to uncomplicate his life, he says we need to talk....

What do I say.... nothing... I'm hiding under the covers....

2011 Recap....

Wow, it has been a minute since I have been up here. Last we spoke I had gone on a date with a friend of a friend...BORING! So that didn't work out at all. I tried, but it just wasn't there.

I started student teaching and that was an experience. My cooperating teacher was a hot, mangled mess. I wanted to slap that ho' many a day. That is a story for a different day.

I finally graduated and I got a job even before I graduated!!! Whoo Hoo. I'm Miss Kindergarten Teacha, now! Started that job this week and I am sure that there will be many more stories about that, because my assistant is a trip!

The Young Buck and I decided that friendship was the way to go and lo and behold that boy just asked the chick with the big forehead to marry him, on New Year's Eve! Jesus Wept!

My nephew D is still after these older women. He is now dating Young Buck's wife! I just can't with him anymore. We do not even discuss their relationship after I expressed concern about him dating S and he called me out about not having a man. I was through with him!

But he's right, I STILL don't have a man. Some days I'm okay, because I am trying to get my career off the ground and raise my kids, but other days I am depressed that there are no men in my life, and no real prospects. I am 38 years old and don't have anyone to spend my old age with!

BTW, I had a month long birthday celebration that I enjoyed immensely. 38 is hot!

I had a few rendezvous with my ex - the devil and they were great. The most recent being today. He just rocks my world! (**lmbo -Wanda , In Living Color). But he does. I wish I could get out from under his spell.

That has been my last half of 2011 and despite the not having a man thing, it was okay and I just know that 2012 is gonna be my year... for something!

Happy New Year everyone,

From the Sassiest Girl in the block! Mwah!

Date...

Yes, I finally went on a real date. Yay. (not enthused, can't you tell?) I went out with a friend of a friend. We have been texting and talking on the phone sparingly for about 5 months. He just didn't do it for me in conversation. He wanted to meet him at the fairgrounds for a barbeque selling during May. I was all for it, but dude was trying to sell me tickets! Uhhh, no! That was too much. Needless to say, I didn't go and we didn't speak for another 3 months. My friend who hooked us up saw him out somewhere and told me he was still single and he was looking good, so I texted him and we set up a date for last Saturday. Yes, we went out during a hurricane!
So here are the details:
Name: J
Age: 39
Marital Status: never been married
Occupation: works in a document storage facility
Looks: so-so-- he is tall and not too big, not too skinny, close hair cut-- just plain and regular
Dinner: TGIFriday's - and dude tried to use a coupon- FAIL
I tried to get him to go to the late show @ the cheap movies, but he wasn't game-- it would have ended too late for him-- suspicious!
Verdict: lukewarm- he still doesn't do it for me
We made tentative plans for a date sometime in the future, but it is Wednesday, and he hasn't called me yet. I guess that he wasn't impressed by me either. C'est le vie-- such is life.

What do y'all think?

SassyMe

God's Got a Blessing...

I have finally heard about my placement for student teaching in the fall... I am not that happy about it, but I do have a placement in  a school where I know a few people. I am going to have to leave my job for this internship, but my parents are going to help me!! Thank You Jesus!


I do have a testimony though. I bet this sounds crazy after all the dick talk that has been going on, but that is the way my life goes. The way I think.... crazy, I know!

Anyway, I have been stressing about this placement because I wanted a particular school and I felt time was running out. School starts August 25 and I needed to know something... Well on Sunday my Pastor preached on "wearing the whole armor of God" and being prepared for the spiritual battles in life. He also touched on faith and he said that faith meant having patience. I began to pray right then for patience in finding out about my placement and I told God that I absolutely trusted Him to place me where I needed to be. Well, lo and behold, after waiting for 5 months I finally got the placement. And you know God, He decided to test what I said. He placed me with one of the craziest chicks I have ever seen! I haven't met her, but I have seen video of her on the local news. She was nominated as teacher of the week.  In her video she had on a clown suit and her classroom was a cluttered mess!!! I hyperventilated when I figured it all out.... I freaked, called a few people, but now I'm calm. I know that God has placed me here for a reason. If I can make it in her classroom, I can make it ANYWHERE!

But the best part of this is that God came in right on time... I trusted Him and He honored that. I love You Jesus!!! I know that He will provide for me during my unemployment and that he will be on my side in dealing with this student teaching.

I'm glad that I have another person commenting now! I feel special! Yes, THAT kind of special.... LOL
Shout out to my road dawg Eyes on the Prize. She's hung in this with me for a long while now!!! Thanks, Shug!

Song of the Week

God's Got A Blessing (with your name on it) by Norman Hutchins



Good night y'all....

Did I Turn Him GAY?????

The other night my best friend, CaraMEL and I, were going down memory lane, recalling our wild times in college. She and I had some definite ho activities going on.... smh... lol

Anyway, I started to reminisce about the first guy I attempted to have sex with at college. His name was Byron and he was a Junior. His cousin was dating one of my suite mates so we hung out a lot.  I met him outside of one of my speech classes and he and I connected over music and books. He had been one of the drum majors the year before, but had been sidelined due to a foot injury, so he had lots of free time for me.

So, we all went to a game in another town and got a room for the night. He had it all set up really nice. Music, strawberries, Boone's Farm (yes, the romantic-est of grocery store wines) and flowers. I was so excited!!! We got into bed and began kissing and stuff and then he tried to stuff the BIGGEST penis I had ever seen (and seen since) into my 18 year old vagina!!!! I was like, "Ohmigod, NO!" I tried to get him to slow down and do something else, but he still kept trying. I went to the bathroom and put a wet washcloth between my legs. I began to talk to myself and psyche myself up for going back out there. "I can do this... I am a Spartan (got that from NC17)... I have made boys cum at the drop of a hat... My stuff is good stuff!!!!"

I marched back out there ready to put it on him and he pounced on me again. OMIGOD!!!(now if I knew then what I know now, I'd made him lick it or something!!! I was not ready at all-- he was trying to split me wide open!!)

Anyway, I tried to make the best of it but I couldn't. Well, it actually didn't matter anyway... He kept trying to push in and came!!! He was like, "ummm girl, you must have some good stuff, because I came before I got it in." At the time, I was not an expert on sex and my own body, but I knew something was up.

The rest of the night was great. We cuddled, ate and watched TV. He didn't seem mad at all. We didn't really see each other much after that night. No hard feelings, we just didn't cross paths after my suite mate and his cousin broke up.

I heard a few months later that people were suspecting that Byron was GAY!!!If that is so, our encounter made a lot of sense. He didn't try to get some juices flowing down there + he liked it tight= butt wrangler. He was a Junior, at least 21 years old, you would think that he would know how to get a woman aroused.

Now this might not be funny to you, but now, all these years later-- I was dying laughing with Mel. I mean real tears down my face because this was hilarious. I had really just come to the this realization while I was talking to Mel. **This fione upperclassman was probably confused about his sexuality and tried to act hetero with me-- a young, hot in the tail freshman.  I thought he was so cool for not being upset that we didn't do the do, but he was not really even interested! Did I turn him gay or did I just help him realize that vagina was not his cup of tea!

I have tried to find out if anyone from college remembers him and knows where he is, but I haven't had any luck.

Has anyone ever had this happen to them? Have you  been with someone and then find out that they were gay sometime later? Talk to me...

Truer Words

I was told the other day that "Love is as love does..."

Truer words ...

Answers to some questions...

Eyes on the Prize had some questions about my last post. I thought about them for a few hours and began to draft a response. It got so long that I thought that I should put them into a new blog post. She asked for my honesty, so I will be as transparent as possible. I have already surprised myself with some of my answers....

Eyes: Ok lemme rattle off some questions:

1. Why is your friend saying your making a mistake? Not that I am agreeing or disagreeing with her, I just wanna know her opinion?

SassyMe: Woah, that was a lot to think about. I will try to answer them as best as I can...

Mel thinks that I will never get over him and move on. She thinks I am in a rut and living in the past. I get what she is saying because she and her son's father did that for years-- until she got pregnant with another man's kid and married the new guy. Her early marriage was rocky because of that. I do admit that I want things back to the way they use to be, but I am not sure that i am that girl anymore.So if I leave it as just sex and reliving memories I am safe. Hurt, but safe.

2. Why you callin it the walk of shame honey?

I felt ashamed going back to my car because it was 2:15 am, I was sneaking back into my house, when if I was with someone that really loved me I would be in my own bed.... Hmmm...

3. Um, why is it that you broke up again? Refresh my mind for me girl.

We broke up because he didn't want to be married anymore... I think.... I got mad at him be cause he was gone all hours of the night playing gigs and carousing with the fellas. I think that he had met someone but had not slept with her at the time I went ballistic-- trying to cut and kill anybody in my wake.... He wanted to be single, so I let him be...

4. What is it that you loving about him now?

I love him for that same reasons that he loves me. We have a history and children together. He can be so sweet and caring but then he can be so stupid that  I cannot stand to be in the same room as him. I love the way his dyck makes me feel too. I am sprung all over it... Dyckmatized!!!

5. Is he single? 

He is not single. He is living with the chick he met during our crazy time. I rather like being the one who he is cheating with... I know that is many shades of wrong, but it is the truth..

He's not ready to stop his running all over town. I want my man to be at home at night with me. Of course he can go out with his friends but most nights I want it to be me and him. My ex can't do that. He is caught up in the music scene and while he is very talented, his ego and stupidity get in the way of him getting anywhere. So, I think that he is wasting his time and he resents me for that. I resent him for loving music more than me and the kids. We can't be together because of that. Don't even factor in the fact that my dad would kill him if he laid eyes on him. My whole family would disown me... He has been a horrible father --neglecting our boys, not paying child support...

So, why do I still feel this way about him? When I think through my feelings I realize that we are apart for a good reason, but I still hold that torch... He is the love of my life. I have never loved anyone the way I love him... He will always be on the radar... We even joke that I will come to him the night before my wedding... sick joke, I know. When I met him we connected on something more than physical. We didn't even think about sleeping together until about 6 months after we met and started hanging out. We were friends first.. attracted to each other, but still wanting to have that friendship.

My dad says that the best way for me to get over him is to get under another man. (couldn't believe he said it myself!) That is where Young Buck came into the picture. But I did not feel right sleeping with him. I at least want someone that wants a relationship. He might have wanted one with me, but I think that he is too clingy. He is all up that girls butt!!! His latest facebook post says that he is enjoying being with his princess right now. So, he's with her, posting about being with her... EWWWW!! Too Much.....

So there it is.... my sad, confusing life.... Does anybody have anymore questions? The purpose for me starting to do this blog is so that I can sort through this mess and make some sense of it. I haven't done much of that because I am so inside of my head. These questions really have helped me to focus and really be honest with myself about somethings. So, don't just sit there, ask more questions... make comments. I see that there are people that come to the site from Eyes' blog, so I hope that you are reading. Ask me questions, make suggestions, tell me to let go of that man, hook me up with your brother.... SOMETHING!!!?!!??!

I've Been a Bad, Bad Girl!!! ( But It felt so very good)

Hello Friends.... *a-hem, is this thing on?*

I have been gone a while, almost a month. Let's recap...

So I told my nephew about that tramp, T, and her whorish ways. I know that it hurt him, but I am glad that I did, because he had been texting her, telling her how he still had feelings and she was saying that he had made her day and she felt the same. Whateva heffa, but she did not tell him that she had invited old dude, TK, to her niece and nephew's birthday party while my nephew was out of town. I did not reveal all of that to him, but I did tell him that she was trying to talk to TK. I didn't tell him about the texts she sent him--that nasty ho-- and how she wanted TK to come to the beach with her for Memorial Day. I think I'm gonna leave it alone. I did what I could.

My oldest child is acting crazy. He thinks that he can come and go as he pleases. Well, that triffling nicca is going to live with his father. We only have 2 more days of school, and then he's otta here!!! I cannot do it anymore. I am afraid that one of us will go to jail.

Young Buck is still the one that gets me going, but I have met someone new,Mason. He is okay, but he doesn't get me too excited. He is just someone to text during the day and someone to take me to dinner... that is when school is not killing me.

I ended up with decent grades for the spring semester, but this summer class is killing me. I am supposed to be writing a 10 page paper due on Tuesday, but I have not typed one single, solitary word yet! This blog post is just another in a long line of diversions I have used this week.

Now to the bad, bad girl stuff....

I am pretty tame, I try to be a good Holy Ghost filled little girl, but I slip up from time to time. So what I have done may not be as scandalous as others, it is definitely not in my character....

Last week I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night (so that my kids wouldn't wake up)to meet my ex husband in an empty apartment to have sex. He was cleaning the apartment for his landlord and still had to clean the carpets and other stuff. I have been so out of my mind because of my kid and school work that I needed a diversion. And baby, was it ever a good one. Now, the devil and I have been in and out of a sexual relationship ever since we divorced and I have always had mixed feelings. I still am in love with the person that he USED to be and I know that he still loves who he THINKS I still am, so that makes our encounters DY-NO-MITE! I was so turned on as I drove to meet him. I had even sent him a dirty picture earlier that night and he had sent me one that morning. This is soooo out of character for me, but I am turned on by doing things that are not my nature.

He had been drinking a little at the band rehearsal he had just come from so he was really affectionate. He brought candles, a nice comforter and some music and snacks. I was very surprised when I saw him carrying all of this to the house. After a tour of the tri-level apartment, which was nice and reminded us of our first apartment, he began his seduction...

I won't give details, but that was the best 2 hours that I have had in a long while. But some troubling things did happen.... he told me that he really loved me and he knew that I didn't believe him-- I want to , but I don't AND I told him that I loved him too--- I want to, but I can't!!! Oh, no!!!!!

What am I going to do? I think that I meant it, but i can't be with him. I played it off by saying that even though we have these feelings, the sex wouldn't be as good if we were together, we'd be fighting all of time. He just looked at me and kept going.

Well, I walked the walk of shame with him out to my car at 2:30 AM and he kissed me ever so tenderly. I drove home still feeling good and very sleepy!He texted me and then called about an hour later-- after he had finished what ever he was doing. He still says that he loves me and that he can't get enough.

My little sistah/bestie CaraMEL says that I making a mistake and I will only hurt myself in the long run. I haven't told any of the other sistahs because they will kill me. But they are all married and can get some of that love and affection anytime. I did tell EYES that I wouldn't get involved with him again, but after 6 months of not getting any I HAD to break that promise! I have the weekend to get some space, but he has already called and texted today!

So that's what I have been up to in the past few weeks... What'cha think?

SassyMe

I know that I said that I was going to leave this alone. My nephew (D) and this older woman (T) thing has been killing me. He is now almost 21 so I was going to let him live his own life, but this chick is still loony. I mean, what woman does not want to talk to her man every day? She says that a text or two a day is sufficient. As of today, they have not spoken at all in about 10 days. What kind of crap is that!!??! Anyway, this time my nephew has his head on better about her. She wants it just casual and he can't do casual so he broke up with her by text. She refuses to accept this, but won't talk to him about it. She says that God can fix it. yadda yadda yadda. As far as he is concerned they are over and he is single again. They both have hidden their relationship status'. She did that days before he did. * so childish* So you'd think that I'd be happy right?

Well here is the kicker... Today a good friend of mine called me over between Sunday School and church to tell me something that was troubling her. T just purchased her first home and was in some need of landscaping so she called my friend's brother, TK, (who is also The Professor's brother) to give her an estimate. While he was there he was feeling like she was trying to come on to him. TK called his sister because he knew that D my nephew and T the older woman were in a relationship, according to facebook. She then asked him if TK had any friends to hook her up with. He felt really uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. So he got out of there and called his sister to see what was up and if T and D were still together. My informant told me that this happened about 2 or 3 weeks ago and that she didn't know how to tell me.

That HEFFA!!!  I knew she was no good!!! I want to mash her head into the floor and jump up and down on top of her. How could she do this to him? But that is how stupid she is though. TK, D's father and The Professor used to hang when they were teenagers and in their early 20's. That makes TK about 12 to 15 years older than T. What makes her think that her dirt won't get back to somebody!? I tell you, she's a fool. That is another reason she should not be with D.

I am posting this because I cannot tell my nephew about it. It would break his heart. She has already changed him and made him able to pull away from his emotions. This would really really devastate him. So this was my confessional. I have to leave this here.

Sassyme