It has been a long time since my last post. It's not that I haven't thought about posting. In fact, I have a couple of incomplete posts in my queue. I waited until I was healed, until I was better. Welp, I'm not completely healed but I am better. This is still difficult for me to write about... I have been opening other tabs, trying to occupy myself with other things while writing this post...
So let's get to the debrief...
MY FEELINGS:
I was so hurt and angry-- just pain mad, for so long. Mad at everybody: Me, him, my friends, God. How could I have let this happen? How could he have done this to me- the mother of his kids, his wife of 11 years? Why didn't my friends stop me? And God? man, you knew better than to let me do this!!!!!!!!
THE GROWING UP PART:
I got tired of being angry. I had already been here and done this with him... why waste the energy again? Anger and self loathing are SO exhausting. My life was boring and difficult because I let it be that way. Soooooo--- I forgave him-- in a sense. I know that he is not the one for me and he is damaged in someway; so I can't be mad at him forever. It's like when a mentally challenged person says something out of the way you can forgive them... he just doesn't know any better, but it's not my place to fix him.
I am lying if I said my friends didn't try to warn me... But they did what sisters do , and supported me through it all. I love you girls!!!
God-- I was so angry with HIM for so long.... If this wasn't something I was supposed to do, then why did it happen? Where were the lightening bolts to smite us?!? Where were the plagues, fires and other disasters!?!? Even a generic little sign? Nothing!!! No, not nothing... God speaks to us in a still, small voice and I chose to ignore it and lean to my own understanding... WRONG MOVE! So I forgave Him... He did exactly what He was supposed to do. It was me that went off the rails. I had no business questioning Him. I am thankful that He forgave ME! The good thing about this happening is that the door is finally closed. God probably let me go through this so that I would learn my lesson and close the door myself.
Me-- I am not sure if I forgive myself... I should have known better... really. I have taken these 6 or so months to really evaluate the situation and I have come to some disturbing revelations... Why did I allow this to happen to me? Don't I love myself enough to protect me? Do I really know me? Do I want to know me? If i don't like me, how can I expect anyone else to like me? Why do I attract or pursue emotionally unavailable men? ... There are many more questions that I had... But--I know that I don't value myself. I know that I have to love me, before I can love or be loved...
That's what I've been working on since November... I turned 39 this year and I celebrated from November 1st until the 25th-- my B-day, and then I decided that the last year of my 30's - a decade full of heartache, set backs, huge accomplishments, growth and love- should be celebrated right, so I kept it up until December 31st!!! It was all about me... what ever I wanted to do, I did! Now, in the New Year, I am focusing on my walk with God. Getting back in right relationship with Him. I am also focusing on getting my body right. I lost a good little bit of weight last year but gained about half of it back. This year, I'm gonna get my old self back... for ME! I want to look good in the thousands of dollars worth of clothes I have purchased trying to make myself feel better!!! I also want to get my mind right. I need to really love myself for who I am and change those things about me that I don't like.
Mind, Body and Soul... 2013!
