I'm STILL Standing...

It has been a long time since my last post. It's not that I haven't thought about posting. In fact, I have a couple of incomplete posts in my queue. I waited until I was healed, until I was better. Welp, I'm not completely healed but I am better. This is still difficult for me to write about... I have been opening other tabs, trying to occupy myself with other things while writing this post...

So let's get to the debrief...

MY FEELINGS:
I was so hurt and angry-- just pain mad,  for so long. Mad at everybody: Me, him, my friends, God. How could I have let this happen? How could he have done this to me- the mother of his kids, his wife of 11 years? Why didn't my friends stop me? And God? man, you knew better than to let me do this!!!!!!!!

THE GROWING UP PART:
I got tired of being angry. I had already been here and done this with him... why waste the energy again? Anger and self loathing are SO exhausting. My life was boring and difficult because I let it be that way. Soooooo--- I forgave him-- in a sense. I know that he is not the one for me and he is damaged in someway; so I can't be mad at him forever. It's like when a mentally challenged person says something out of the way you can forgive them... he just doesn't know any better, but it's not my place to fix him.

I am lying if I said my friends didn't try to warn me... But they did what sisters do , and supported me through it all. I love you girls!!!

God-- I was so angry with HIM for so long.... If this wasn't something I was supposed to do, then why did it happen? Where were the lightening bolts to smite us?!? Where were the plagues, fires and other disasters!?!? Even a generic little sign? Nothing!!! No, not nothing... God speaks to us in a still, small voice and I chose to ignore it and lean to my own understanding... WRONG MOVE! So I forgave Him... He did exactly what He was supposed to do. It was me that went off the rails. I had no business questioning Him. I am thankful that He forgave ME! The good thing about this happening is that the door is finally closed. God probably let me go through this so that I would learn my lesson and close the door myself.

Me-- I am not sure if I forgive myself... I should have known better... really. I have taken these 6 or so months to really evaluate the situation and I have come to some disturbing revelations... Why did I allow this to happen to me? Don't I love myself enough to protect me? Do I really know me? Do I want to know me? If i don't like me, how can I expect anyone else to like me? Why do I attract or pursue emotionally unavailable men? ... There are many more questions that I had... But--I know that I don't value myself. I know that I have to love me, before I can love or be loved...

 That's what I've been working on since November... I turned 39 this year and I celebrated from November 1st until the 25th-- my B-day, and then I decided that the last year of my 30's - a decade full of heartache, set backs, huge accomplishments, growth and love- should be celebrated right, so I kept it up until December 31st!!! It was all about me... what ever I wanted to do, I did! Now, in the New Year, I am focusing on my walk with God. Getting back in right relationship with Him. I am also focusing on getting my body right. I lost a good little bit of weight last year but gained about half of it back. This year, I'm gonna get my old self back... for ME! I want to look good in the thousands of dollars worth of clothes I have purchased trying  to make myself feel better!!! I also want to get my mind right. I need to really love myself for who I am and change those things about me that I don't like.


Mind, Body and Soul... 2013!

A New Year, A New Game

I usually don't make resolutions for the new year. I feel that any changes I make can be done the day I think of them and I am always looking for ways and things to improve. But last night I decided to make some changes and they will happen to coincide with the New Year.

Our church is going on a 21 day fast. I am not that cranked about it, but I know that it will aid in my spiritual growth. So, I am stepping up my game for the Lord and it seems fitting to step up my game for myself. I have 2 wedding this spring to attend and I want to look my best. I have already started losing the 20 pounds that I want to have off by then. I would love to go for 30, but that may be pushing it! I am going to get back to walking the mile 3x per week and cardio 3x per week. Between the weather and Christmas break, I have not been on my game.

The new semester begins soon and I want to continue with the quality of work that I have been producing and improve. I also want to be able to give my kids more attention in their school work, and help my oldest find a job!!!

Also, in my personal life, the area that really started this rehash, there will be more changes. At our church business meeting, the guy that I like (boy, does that sound so middle school) was teasing me about something and a friend said that "He's doing that b/c he likes you". I said that if he likes me he needs to stop playing games like that with his 40 year old self!!! I am not playing games like that ANYMORE!!! If you want to be with me, you gotta come correct! Flirting and joking are fine, but I am not getting any younger, so come with something better than that.
Prince is a big source of confusion for me. I have not been actively seeking a man, but he keeps popping up on my radar. We have been to dinner a few times, been shopping, ran errands together, played golf, and gone to a wedding together. I have always had a good time even though he is kinda nerdy! I know that he is a good man but I don't want to play games anymore. It is what it is... are we going somewhere with this, or not. There is really no in between!
I think that I will look into Match.com or eHarmony this year. I want to start dating again and I cannot wait all day for him.

So that's it. I am not playing around this year, I am stepping it up... moving forward into my destiny, which is bigger than anyone can even imagine! Thank you Jesus!!!!!

Have a Happy New Year !!!!!