Reality

Hey y'all!! It has been a minute, but I have been lost in work. I am glad that summer vacation is here... finally.

So much and nothing has happened all at the same time...

I feel on top of the world professionally. I had two schools vying for my skills and I got the school that I wanted. My class did really well this year and only one of my students didn't read on grade level and we are retaining him. English is his second language.

I am excited about my new grade level (3rd) and the team that I will be working with.

My youngest graduated from high school!! Yay!!! I feel free! I know that since both of them are still alive I will always be momma and therefore NOT free, but I feel free!

So life is good. Except... I don't have a man. I want a man... I mean, a loving, fulfilling relationship. I lived in my head for so long, pursuing men who are not really available, trying to convince myself that we actually have something there...

So then I started looking on dating sites. Plenty of Fish, Match, eHarmony, Black People Meet and finally okcupid. I will do anything that is free... lol... but nothing has come of any of it. No one is dealing with reality, Most men want white women or skinny independently wealthy ones. I am neither. The men who do want plain school teacher women like me still dress like my teenaged sons. They don't have any education, look like they live with their moms and message with quaint lines like : "wut u doin"... 'cuse me? When you are trying to speak to me for the first time, please use correct English! Is that too much to ask?

I watched Being Mary Jane the other day and while I liked it, I was pissed at MJ for some for the things she did. She cries because she sees baby commercials. Okay, she wants a family. She can go have a baby if she wants too. Who says she needs a man? Okay, so it's more than just a baby. She wants the man, the picket fence, the 2.5 kids, vacations to Disney, birthday parties in the back yard... we all want those idealized events in our lives, but do we think that they come without some heartache and pain? Reality... get you some! I talked to my best friend about this is she was pissed at me... probably because it hit home for her...

CaraMEL is a dreamer. She grew up with 2 sisters and a mom and dad. She claims that they were the Huxtables of her small working class town. Okay. Her parents got into some real deep financial issues and lost their home last year. Mel and her sisters lived in that house most of their lives. They really don't remember any other home.  Everytime she talks about growing up and losing that house all she can say is "but we were the Huxtables"... I want to say to her that the Huxtables were a piece of paper... REALITY... get you some.

 I could go on about her, as she could go on about me... but long story short, she married someone that she should have left in college. He is an ass and I'm sure has always been and always will be an ass. But Mel loves him. They both work hard, have 3 cute kids (she has one from another relationship with a FINE brother, but he's another story) own 2 cars, a beautiful house and fight like roaches! She always complains that he doesn't want to spend time with her or the kids. He wants to go 3 hours away to his mom's or racing his remote control cars-- without her. They scream and fight about $$$, food, anything. She won't leave mainly because she doesn't want to give up her lifestyle... And she wants what she sees the white people in her neighborhood have. That's actually what she says... what the white people have... walking in the grocery store together, holding hands around the lake... blah, blah, blah... that nigga you married NEVER did that, so why do you think he'll do it now!??!?!

You know what? I just can't with this anymore today... point, blank and period... just because the man does that doesn't mean that all is hunky dory. Guess what? They say that Claire was a crack head, Cliff cheated on Camille... Denise ran off and got pregnant and kicked off the show, cute little Olivia is gay... life is not tv or a dream... REALITY please!

The men on these dating sites don't want reality, my best friend doesn't want reality, magazine and blog articles all spout off things that are not based in reality... I lived in that cloud of delusion for so long I can't take it anymore.

I want to be grounded in reality and not be pegged as bitter... nothing is perfect, but we can make it the best that we can...

~ Sassyme

I'm STILL Standing...

It has been a long time since my last post. It's not that I haven't thought about posting. In fact, I have a couple of incomplete posts in my queue. I waited until I was healed, until I was better. Welp, I'm not completely healed but I am better. This is still difficult for me to write about... I have been opening other tabs, trying to occupy myself with other things while writing this post...

So let's get to the debrief...

MY FEELINGS:
I was so hurt and angry-- just pain mad,  for so long. Mad at everybody: Me, him, my friends, God. How could I have let this happen? How could he have done this to me- the mother of his kids, his wife of 11 years? Why didn't my friends stop me? And God? man, you knew better than to let me do this!!!!!!!!

THE GROWING UP PART:
I got tired of being angry. I had already been here and done this with him... why waste the energy again? Anger and self loathing are SO exhausting. My life was boring and difficult because I let it be that way. Soooooo--- I forgave him-- in a sense. I know that he is not the one for me and he is damaged in someway; so I can't be mad at him forever. It's like when a mentally challenged person says something out of the way you can forgive them... he just doesn't know any better, but it's not my place to fix him.

I am lying if I said my friends didn't try to warn me... But they did what sisters do , and supported me through it all. I love you girls!!!

God-- I was so angry with HIM for so long.... If this wasn't something I was supposed to do, then why did it happen? Where were the lightening bolts to smite us?!? Where were the plagues, fires and other disasters!?!? Even a generic little sign? Nothing!!! No, not nothing... God speaks to us in a still, small voice and I chose to ignore it and lean to my own understanding... WRONG MOVE! So I forgave Him... He did exactly what He was supposed to do. It was me that went off the rails. I had no business questioning Him. I am thankful that He forgave ME! The good thing about this happening is that the door is finally closed. God probably let me go through this so that I would learn my lesson and close the door myself.

Me-- I am not sure if I forgive myself... I should have known better... really. I have taken these 6 or so months to really evaluate the situation and I have come to some disturbing revelations... Why did I allow this to happen to me? Don't I love myself enough to protect me? Do I really know me? Do I want to know me? If i don't like me, how can I expect anyone else to like me? Why do I attract or pursue emotionally unavailable men? ... There are many more questions that I had... But--I know that I don't value myself. I know that I have to love me, before I can love or be loved...

 That's what I've been working on since November... I turned 39 this year and I celebrated from November 1st until the 25th-- my B-day, and then I decided that the last year of my 30's - a decade full of heartache, set backs, huge accomplishments, growth and love- should be celebrated right, so I kept it up until December 31st!!! It was all about me... what ever I wanted to do, I did! Now, in the New Year, I am focusing on my walk with God. Getting back in right relationship with Him. I am also focusing on getting my body right. I lost a good little bit of weight last year but gained about half of it back. This year, I'm gonna get my old self back... for ME! I want to look good in the thousands of dollars worth of clothes I have purchased trying  to make myself feel better!!! I also want to get my mind right. I need to really love myself for who I am and change those things about me that I don't like.


Mind, Body and Soul... 2013!