Vivian Greene sure knew what she was talking about...

Okay, so the Professor and the little chickie are not together. I don't know what happened, but it's a no go between the two of them. She posted on FB that she was with her someone special, but she was out of town in another state. Besides I was with the Professor about 2 hours before she posted that message. You would think that I would be jumping up and down because of this especially since P was all in my face on Saturday. But no, I am not. Why? Because I am not sure of what kinda game is being played right now. Every time we are talking to each other people pass by and smile this crazy smile. Saturday we were at a cookout with a few friends. We teased each other like usual but I really felt nothing. I have resigned myself to the fact that he doesn't want me. It wasn't until we were packing up to leave the park that he and I had a chance to be alone. He was always asking me to help him with something. Hand me this, open that... We just had some small talk about church but then he reached out and touched my hand. I just looked up at him, smiled and continued to pick up my stuff. He smiled the most beautiful smile at me and turned and walked away. I felt butterflies all over again. What. is. wrong. with. me??? Am I totally crazy!??!?!

Today we really didn't talk much because he had a meeting with the deacons of the church. I waited for him so I could talk to him about some Sunday School business. He was cordial, but short with me. WTH? Maybe he had somewhere to go. He did say that he wanted to talk later, maybe @ church on Wednesday, but I am going out with the homies for dinner and music.

Am I reaching? Could this be a figment of my fertile imagination? It occurred to me that what I think is interest is really him being a gentleman. You know, a nice person. I guess I am not used to being treated nice by guys that don't want something. That is a sad tale for my life....

Anyway, maybe I am crazy .... but here goes. The theme song of my divorce and apparent current delusion:

And the beat goes on...

Here I am a couple of days out from "the betrayal". I have decided to move on, get a new attitude. The old low self esteem dialogue was going overtime today. It has been many years since I have had these thoughts. Nothing suicidal, but disturbing none the less. I will not be a lonely spinster with a houseful of cats, nor will I be bedridden and obese with others to take care of my basic needs because I have become addicted to the comfort of food! **shivers** My biggest nightmares!

My first step to keep myself from falling in the pit of depression was to sign up for Plenty of Fish .com. and Christian Mingle.com. I have had a few hits already, but I can't see myself with any of them because they don't remind me of the Professor. I know, sue me. There was one fwiooone one on the Christian Mingle that I "smiled" at. I really want to find a man that will not try to have sex with me before marriage or will want to drink or do drugs. The drinking and drug use are DEAL BREAKERS. I can try to deal with fighting for my virtue! LOL The guy that I smiled at could get it anytime....

The funny thing is that I have had many profile views from white guys! Who knew? This is probably gonna be the subject of another post, but with all of the message boards out there that say black women are hos, baby mommas or bitter unmarrieds that nobody wants, I was supposed to see that my profile had been viewed by almost as many white guys as black guys!!!!!

So, I guess that I will survive. I will find that special one for me very soon. I just have to be patient.

I give up...

I am so angry right now! I cannot believe how I have a been played or played myself. So I have been obsessing about the Professor for many months now. I really thought that he liked me. I mean, I really did. How could I have gotten his signals wrong? I feel stupid! So, the fact that he really isn't into me is not as bad as knowing who he is possibly really into. Do you remember this post? Well, the same old chick that tried to turn my nephew out is messing with my man. I mean, really? Really? In November/December you were going to get married, in April you were pledging your love to my teenage nephew, now in July you are sliding up next to my man! She is scandalous! And this is in the church!!!!!! That is what I cannot wrap my head around! In the house of God she is acting like this. Doesn't she know that people are looking at her? I don't like her anyway, so this is one more thing to add to the list.

I am a little slow, I guess because now that the Professor's sister has given me the scoop I see that it was obvious. She has been on his jock since Memorial Day. Even today at choir rehearsal she almost knocked me down to stand next to him. I found out that they even went out to lunch right around Father's Day. I am floored. I can get that he is not into me, that's okay. But the fact that he has taken up with this trick is beyond belief. And she KNOWS how I feel about him. She often teases me about him, but now that I think about it she has stopped doing that in the last 4 or 5 weeks.

After all of the raging I did after I found out, I just felt so bad about myself. I mean, what is wrong with me? How can he give this illiterate, selfish, stuck up, classless girl a second look. All she has is light skin , long hair and a nice body. I know that men are attracted to the external, but everybody knows that she has nothing going on upstairs. P wants a woman who can be sociable with his business, a woman who can hold a conversation on her own about various subjects, a woman who can challenge and stimulate his thinking. We have discussed this on a couple of occasions. This girl cannot do that. Maybe I am not the one for him, but I know that this broad is definitely not for him.

I feel betrayed. I don't know what else to do.... I just give up.