Eyes on the Prize had some questions about my last post. I thought about them for a few hours and began to draft a response. It got so long that I thought that I should put them into a new blog post. She asked for my honesty, so I will be as transparent as possible. I have already surprised myself with some of my answers....
Eyes: Ok lemme rattle off some questions:
1. Why is your friend saying your making a mistake? Not that I am agreeing or disagreeing with her, I just wanna know her opinion?
SassyMe: Woah, that was a lot to think about. I will try to answer them as best as I can... Mel thinks that I will never get over him and move on. She thinks I am in a rut and living in the past. I get what she is saying because she and her son's father did that for years-- until she got pregnant with another man's kid and married the new guy. Her early marriage was rocky because of that. I do admit that I want things back to the way they use to be, but I am not sure that i am that girl anymore.So if I leave it as just sex and reliving memories I am safe. Hurt, but safe.2. Why you callin it the walk of shame honey?
I felt ashamed going back to my car because it was 2:15 am, I was sneaking back into my house, when if I was with someone that really loved me I would be in my own bed.... Hmmm...
3. Um, why is it that you broke up again? Refresh my mind for me girl.
We broke up because he didn't want to be married anymore... I think.... I got mad at him be cause he was gone all hours of the night playing gigs and carousing with the fellas. I think that he had met someone but had not slept with her at the time I went ballistic-- trying to cut and kill anybody in my wake.... He wanted to be single, so I let him be...
4. What is it that you loving about him now?
I love him for that same reasons that he loves me. We have a history and children together. He can be so sweet and caring but then he can be so stupid that I cannot stand to be in the same room as him. I love the way his dyck makes me feel too. I am sprung all over it... Dyckmatized!!!
5. Is he single?
He is not single. He is living with the chick he met during our crazy time. I rather like being the one who he is cheating with... I know that is many shades of wrong, but it is the truth..
He's not ready to stop his running all over town. I want my man to be at home at night with me. Of course he can go out with his friends but most nights I want it to be me and him. My ex can't do that. He is caught up in the music scene and while he is very talented, his ego and stupidity get in the way of him getting anywhere. So, I think that he is wasting his time and he resents me for that. I resent him for loving music more than me and the kids. We can't be together because of that. Don't even factor in the fact that my dad would kill him if he laid eyes on him. My whole family would disown me... He has been a horrible father --neglecting our boys, not paying child support...
So, why do I still feel this way about him? When I think through my feelings I realize that we are apart for a good reason, but I still hold that torch... He is the love of my life. I have never loved anyone the way I love him... He will always be on the radar... We even joke that I will come to him the night before my wedding... sick joke, I know. When I met him we connected on something more than physical. We didn't even think about sleeping together until about 6 months after we met and started hanging out. We were friends first.. attracted to each other, but still wanting to have that friendship.
My dad says that the best way for me to get over him is to get under another man. (couldn't believe he said it myself!) That is where Young Buck came into the picture. But I did not feel right sleeping with him. I at least want someone that wants a relationship. He might have wanted one with me, but I think that he is too clingy. He is all up that girls butt!!! His latest facebook post says that he is enjoying being with his princess right now. So, he's with her, posting about being with her... EWWWW!! Too Much.....
So there it is.... my sad, confusing life.... Does anybody have anymore questions? The purpose for me starting to do this blog is so that I can sort through this mess and make some sense of it. I haven't done much of that because I am so inside of my head. These questions really have helped me to focus and really be honest with myself about somethings. So, don't just sit there, ask more questions... make comments. I see that there are people that come to the site from Eyes' blog, so I hope that you are reading. Ask me questions, make suggestions, tell me to let go of that man, hook me up with your brother.... SOMETHING!!!?!!??!
